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i can still taste rush limbaugh's dick on your lips
My paycheck is going to be fucking awesome in a few days.  Fuck yeah.  Like over six hundred bucks.  I earned it.  I busted my ass.  I think I deserve more but oh well.

I also take my CNA registration test on Thursday.  Nervous as fuck.

I keep having these really bizarre, intensely emotional dreams.  In the first dream I found myself on my wedding day, feeling joy and excitement as I got ready to walk the aisle.  I felt so happy, and confident and ready to start the rest of my life with my soon to be husband (who in the dream is appropriately my current boyfriend).  As the dream goes on, tension builds, and I find myself waiting at the altar.  My boyfriend is nowhere to be found, and people start trying to find him.  I'm told to keep standing at the altar and wait - maybe he's late? Finally, someone approaches me and tells me that they found my fiancee dead at home.  What I felt was so intense that I jolted awake and cried out.

After falling back to sleep, I dreamed myself and my mom were driving to Florida for some reason.  It was smooth sailing, until we hit some traffic.  While we were sitting in traffic, some kind of aircraft (no idea what kind) smashes into the ground not far behind us, causing a huge explosion.  Next thing I know, people are getting out of their cars and running, and the sky fills with... missiles? My mom and I end up at a gas station which is now packed because people are trying to get inside and away from whatever the fuck is going on outside.  I remember trying to use the bathroom, but not being able to, and then trying to get something to eat out of a vending machine, which was empty.  Meanwhile, my mind is racing.  My phone is almost dead and no texts are calls can be sent or received.  I'm panicking and I can't stop thinking about my boyfriend, and my cat, and then it's all too much and I wake up again.

The second time I woke up, I started to cry.  I woke up in shock, got partially oriented (sort of remembered where I was, recognized some ambient noises from my boyfriend's house), but I still had this overwhelming feeling of despair and hopelessness and I started sobbing uncontrollably.  I'm actually crying now writing about this.  I've been having dreams like this for weeks now.  I don't know what's going on; the only correlation I have is that they started soon after the attacks on Paris.  I think it would be safe to say that maybe I am internalizing a lot of really shitty and violent things happening in the news.  I honestly have gone decades without having nightmares like this before the past few weeks.  I spent all of yesterday in a weird headspace because of it, however.  And today, I feel really empty inside.  Like there's something that needs to be satiated, but I have no idea what it is or how.

In other news, I have finally decided that I do plan on buying a gun.  Beforehand, I am going to go to a firing range to see if I am actually ok with the act of firing a gun.  Next, training classes, and... I have decided that I am going to get a concealed carry permit.  I've spent the past several years trying to decide and I think I would like to exercise my right.  I'm a little afraid of being a person of color carrying a fire arm even if I acquired it legally and have been well trained.  I mainly want it because of my line of work since I'm still going to be working as a courier for a while.  I think I would feel a lot safer since I am about 4'10" and only a little over 100lbs and I have had some pretty shady run-ins beofre at my job(s).  If I can't handle having a gun, I can be safe in other ways, too.  


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